It’s a word we hear so much these days. There are medications for coping with it. Doctors certified in listening about it. Television commercials and magazine ads. This word is depression. Now, there are some people who cringe when they hear this word. They shy away from its concept simply because it’s too complicated. There are others who feel there is no such thing as depression. They feel this concept is an excuse to be lazy and over emotional. They’ve never experienced the anxiety that comes with it or that unidentified fear that exists with it. Depression is very real, and depending on its level, it’s a battle that cannot be fought alone. How do I know this, you ask? Well, depression and I have become really close friends these past 6 months. We have an unorthodox understanding.
Last month was extremely busy. There were things to do every, single, day. Lots of plans, lots of fun, lots of family time, and time with friends. My Mother’s Day breakfast plan went off without a hitch, my oldest sister brought in year 40 like a boss, and my baby sister’s bridal shower and
wedding were absolutely amazing! Even though I was exhausted from all of the planning and organizing, I was happy. Happy for, what I thought, was doing things for others to make them happy. I love being there for people and spreading joy whenever I can. With all of these things out of the way, I was excited to get back to the things I enjoy, like journaling and blogging. I have so much to say. So many ideas and thoughts in my brain and I’ve been dying to print them on paper. I am grateful for my gift of downtime, but my “me time” plans are not starting off the way I’d hoped. I remember sitting in my living room on the day I classified as the first day back to me. I was ready to share all the things I had wanted to share with the world. There was just one tiny problem, I was unable to put my thoughts into REAL words. I couldn’t figure how to form these ideas so that they flow and make perfect sense.
When I decided to start this blog thing, I was excited. I was encouraged, motivated and ready to inspire. I wanted to share my talent with the world. I thought it could be a form of therapy for me, to write down how I was feeling in hopes of getting over my issues. I didn’t want to become that person. You know, the one who lays in bed all day on a Saturday not wanting to interact with the world. Not wanting to see or talk to anyone. Crying, deeply at any given moment. I wanted to write my issues away. However, lately, I feel nothing. Today, my words are deferred.
My good friend, Growinghumans, wrote a blog recently where she states, “no one ever talks about what happens if you have to take that step back. No one ever talks about what happens if you, in fact, fail at your epiphany.” Whoa! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. This statement says so much about my current state of mind. I feel as though my plan to encourage the world has, indeed, failed in epic proportions. Don’t get me wrong, I do get a lot of praise from individuals I admire about my posts and that feels great to know that I have reached someone. I think the failure comes in simply because no matter how much I write, I am still very sad. Sad about my miscarriage, about my inability to have children, about trying to figure out what’s going wrong internally. I hear women say all the time, that I am not the first one to go through this, that this untitled condition is common. I understand that this is to encourage and uplift, but it still does not remove the pain.
So how do you cope? What do you do? Everyone has told you that everything will be okay. And you believe everything will be, but it’s going through the storm to get to the okay that is the hardest. Your days vary, some are good, some are bad, and some are just okay. One of my struggles is turning to others to talk. I have people who tell me I can always reach out, but the loner in me won’t let reach out. Maybe that’s my fault but if I get tired of dealing with this, I believe they will get tired of hearing it.
I must admit it does feel lonely but I usually push past my feelings. Besides, there is always something to do. Places to go, people to see, children to teach. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be different. Today, on the other hand, is a bit overwhelming. I am sure I will find what I am looking for once all the smoke clears and the dust settles. I guess that’s the part that sucks the most, waiting for the dust to settle. It is quite unnerving. But that’s the point right? What are good days without the bad ones? What is an on day without the occasional off day?
My hope it getting to the other side of all this. GOD made me promises and I know he will fulfil them. In the overall scheme of this, it does make me feel good knowing that GOD is here. He is the only reason I can openly admit that I am struggling with depression. Not that he’s the reason for it, but he is the only one who can heal it. Feeling this way proves that I am only human, that I am limited and it’s okay. It’s okay because he sees and knows what I don’t. And when I finally come through this, I will definitely have a story to tell.