I consider myself to be a perfectionist. I have a strong work ethic and whatever assignment I’m given, I complete it thoroughly. On a scale from 1 to 10, I’m a 10. At work, at home, and in my social life, I am both an overachiever and my biggest critic. This creates a lot of pressure. When I find myself juggling multiple tasks- work projects, home projects, social projects- I reach in the back of my closet and pull out my Superwoman cape. In my scrambled mind, there are people that need me and things to be done, and no matter how cluttered my thoughts become, I have to keep moving until all tasks are complete and everyone is happy.
In my previous post, I mentioned my miscarriage and my inability to have children. This is the most challenging and stressful situation I have ever had to work through , but if you ask me how, I sincerely couldn’t tell you. I didn’t know how to grieve. I didn’t know how to handle my depression. I even thought that I didn’t have the right to feel any of the things I was feeling and I needed to get over it all because I had husband who needed my support, a sister getting married, a classroom to maintain, and school regulations to implement on a daily basis. Any time spent for me was brief because self-inflicted guilt would set in and I would have to shake it off and get busy.
How did I get here? When did I get to the point in my life where my feelings and situations didn’t matter to me? When did it become normal to feel guilty about my suffering? When did the needs of others become more important than mine?
I had plans this evening. I have been extremely tired today, I developed an extreme headache,and I even told my sister that I would was canceling my plans. Then the guilt set in. I downed a couple of ibuprofen and was mentally preparing to fulfill my obligations. Just as I was leaving work this afternoon, I was loading my car and, somehow, locked everything in it. My phone, car keys, purse, everything! Now, typically this would freak me out, but today I just didn’t care.
While waiting for AAA, I was given a little time to assess the current situation, and then it came to me, like an epiphany! After a few minutes of soul searching, I realized that it was okay to not fuss about every little detail in every little thing. It was okay to lay in bed on a Saturday and do nothing all day. It was okay to leave my to-do list incomplete and “get to it when I get to it”. And since my keys were locked in my car today there was no way for me to fix this problem, not only that, I simply didn’t have to. Today I am leaving all obligations undone. Today, I’m a 7.
There is no rushing home to fold laundry, or lesson plan, or cook a ginormous meal. Today, I’m a 7. This evening I will eat something simple for dinner and I will leave the dishes undone. This evening I am a 7. Tonight, I will watch TV until I get sleepy, and then I will go to bed. Tonight, I am a 7. I will live as a 7, I will sleep as a 7, and tomorrow let the chips fall where they may!
I will embrace this 7, and catch my breath. I will think happy thoughts and focus on the things that make me smile, like my cat Naya, my husband Tommy, a warm bath, a soft bed! There is significance in the number 7. It is a sign of completion. As far as I go, it means I’ve done all that I needed to do in this day. And as I wrap up this post, I encourage you to embrace your 7. Release some of those self-inflicted pressures. Learn to take deep breaths and smell the fresh air! Don’t just sleep, rest! Take lazy days and make time for you. You do matter. Your feelings and situations matter also. Nobody knows what you need better than you. If you don’t treat you right, no one else will either!
Well, I think I’m done for now. I’m off to snoozeville to dream of unicorns and rainbows! Goodnight all!
***DISCLAIMER: this post was actually written 2 weeks ago but I am just now posting it. Why you ask? Because today I am STILL a 7!!! Bye!