An acquaintance of mine lost her mother this week. It is an extremely delicate situation, as it would be for anyone, but for this person it goes much deeper than the loss. In conversations we’ve had about life (and without exposing too much of her story) she’s shared with me the fact that she stopped speaking to her mother some years ago. Their altercation was never resolved. This broke my heart because now there will never be an opportunity to reconcile.
My adolescence was not best. I was subjected to a lot of grief by a certain loved one. From the tender age of 5, I was proned to verbal abuse. I was told I was ugly. I was told what to think, how to think. I felt low, useless, worthless, unlovable. I believed i was ugly and unattractive. It felt as if this person would take jabs at me whenever it came to her to do so. Please do not misunderstand, I was a handful as a child. i could be very difficult, i was defiant; but I don’t think the verbal beatings i took helped at all. The more down I felt about myself the worse my behavior was. I didn’t know how to balance any aspect of my life. But I knew that I needed something. I longed to have better relationships, I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to belong somewhere to someone. All of this was because I believed the negative attitude and negative words that came from someone who was supposed to care for me.
A lot of these occurrences took place in private. In public, of course, I was to pretend that I had a happy life. People would compliment my family unit and I could remember thinking, not even close. I learned my role rather quickly and carried it through my teenage, young adult and grown up years. Sure, I dated, hung out with friends, tried to be the life of the party whenever I was out in public, but behind closed doors I was the most insecure, saddest girl to ever exist. The jabs continued but they developed as I got older. It was in 2010 that I reached a conclusion to be content with not developing a relationship with her. I was prepared to be okay with this choice. But GOD always has a way to deal with me.
It wasn’t until 2011 that things began to take a turn for my personal life. I had to face all of my childhood demons. I was searching for answers from the loss of my biological mother. this search opened so many other things and I began to connect certain pieces. I learned the truth about my family. The truth about me. I had to look at the root of my insecurities because I’d learned to pretend that they did not exist. It was hard. I shed a lot of tears. I was angry and I felt justified in my anger. I was hurt. But it was here that I connected with GOD. I had so many questions- why did I have to go through this? Was I so horrible of a kid? Why did she hate me? Did she ever really love me? Will she ever love me? Why was I the outcast? This is what GOD told me: everything that she put me through, HE was handling. There was nothing for me to do to retaliate. What I needed to do was forgive her, wholeheartedly. HE told me this particular season in my life was not about resolving the entire situation but resolving my hurt from the situation. That is exactly what I did. It took some time but I did get there. I prayed a lot, cried a lot. I matured spiritually and emotionally, and I am so much better for it.
Death is absolute. It is finite. I don’t think I could live with myself if she’d pass away and I still carried the bitterness and pain in my heart, in my life. There is so much left of this situation. I’m not sure when the resolve will take place. What I do know is forgiveness is a beautiful place because its not about the person who caused the hurt, it’s about finding peace, GOD’S peace, for yourself. I can’t predict the future but I do know this- today I have the peace of GOD and it truly does pass all of my human understanding!